I am searching, always have been. Not for my lifetime mate (anymore) or boyfriend (same guy)and not for self-worth, but still searching. It seems like most people I know, good, smart and motivated people are looking too.. possibly for an identity that they should be or are trying to live up to; they are searching for a mate, a job, a hairdo, a balance, a career, a mojo, a feeling... a friend, and almost always, love.
Coming home from our trip has triggered a multitude of emotions to pour out from me; realizing how short my (our) time is here, and also how much time I spend worrying about the most inconsequential matters, feeling anxiety that I do not have enough time to be me and that I am spending too much time in the stories that my mind loves to feed on. The strangest thoughts would come over me as we passed islands with beautiful remote homes, and what appeared a perfectly settled life of staring at the ocean. I would catch myself thinking " How old are these people? What are they doing? How many years do they have to enjoy it? How many years do my parents have left to enjoy their lives?? What is the best use of my time? What will Charlie remember?"
An idea came to me tonight.. not a loud one, just the simple kind when you are staring at a photo of youself on the bookshelf looking innocent and five, like your own daughter and you stare at that little girl and wish you could do a lot of things over. Possibly a voice or a thought came over me and said.. "Don't worry, you can stop looking, I will find you as I always have and if you lose me I will find you again and again and there is no need to look further."
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