spirit napping

What is happening to me? I do not seem to care about anything anymore; certainly not at the same fight to the death intensity that I am used to feeling. I sit and notice and do not feel, I just simply notice what I might have felt before and when I would have lost it somehow; either tears, or threats, or heartbreaking silence or simply anger. I do not feel these things anymore. Am I getting older, depressed, or am I sick? I do not know.

The positive aspect of this "illness", this sense of "I am too tired to fight" is that I am literally so outside of any conflict that I feel as wise as Gandhi. Charlie put me to the test a few days ago, with door slams, tears, words, more door slams (all by herself) and finally as I sat noticing her conflict without a word she realized I was just going to sit there watching her tangle with a ghost of mommy past and suddenly she opened her door, to my disbelief, and walked up to where I was sitting and said "I'm sorry Mommy", crying. I had done nothing, said nothing, simply sat at her play table wondering why I was too tired to follow her to her room and tell her if she slams her door one more time I will take it off, etc... but I didn't have to.

Bryan too, misses my spark, not that we argue anymore.. because I refuse to, but on another level there is a spark that keeps us wired and very aware, excited and in tune with each other. Now that I have surrendered to my diminished self, I notice that I simply do not care about some of the little things that were so important to me before. Silly things that would make me crazy; like if he forgot to kiss me goodnight or if he called to see how my day was or if he looked at me in the eyes.. all that stuff I really cared about and now even if everything is exactly the same, I wouldn't notice or care.

I love Bryan and Charlie more than ever, and would fight to the death for them, but some kind of tired has been seeping into my once too energetic body and mind. Part of me is grateful that I am so unattached to actions, yet the other part sees what was (is) so special about me; a fierce loyalty to what is true and right and important to me. A mixed blessing, and for those who care to know.. my guess is that I let too much in, especially work related, and I let too many things have a piece of me, so that there was nothing left at the end (and middle) of the day. Nature has a strange way of saying no, at least for me at this moment, I simply cannot do any more.