It is late October, and nothing has changed. Ted is still here, remodeling. My hair has not grown an inch in two years, and my belly flab after months of yoga and pilates, remains. Bryan, Charlie and I are happy and we love our life. The Tuesday tennis lessons Bryan and I take are bringing much joy to our instructor Martin who was in awe of our volleying this last week. He said in his Danish accent, " Remember Kara, when I first asked you to volley together and you said.., "This is Bullshit!", then he laughed and said.. "Now it's fun!". I couldn't believe it, and asked him "Did I really say that" and he said " Oh yess". Of course that was only four weeks ago.
The Real Estate market is still a mess yet I have a sweet and smart couple that I am helping find their first home. It is nice after a brutal summer of working too hard for the wrong people. The lesson is there, and I needed it. I needed to learn how to say no and trust myself. I turned 39 and was hoping I would wake up the next day on fire and start accomplishing all of my lost hopes and dreams before I turn 40. Nothing has changed; I am still overbooked and my soul undernourished, I am still awestruck at my beautiful life, yet wish I could accomplish more personally. I still wish time would slow down, but it won't. Life's clock won't let me have the years back and see Charlie grow up again, so I better stop and figure out if I am going to keep running my clock away or if I am going to stand up and say, "Bullshit!" and then start having some fun.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Why what you think matters, doesn't.
Anything that you think about doesn't matter, really. Thoughts are at best an escape, a fantasy and at worst; useless, time consuming, empty and destructive. Thoughts are not reality, and I can prove it. What are you thinking about right now? It doesn't really matter.
At the end of the day, your actions matter, they count. Nobody ever knows what you think, and nobody really cares. We waste an unbelievable amount of energy worrying, analyzing, storytelling in our minds when our minds could be creating, growing and working. At the end of the day, what have you done, what have you said, what promises have you made, and what promises have you kept?
What if you thought less and did more and pursued more and kissed more and wrote more and laughed more and tried more; what if you quieted your thoughts and noticed more? What if you shut off the part of your mind that never stops talking and judging and what if you did what felt right, what feels good? At the end of the day, why does it matter what anyone thinks of what you think they think of you? At the end of the day, you should simply feel and be... love and loved.
At the end of the day, your actions matter, they count. Nobody ever knows what you think, and nobody really cares. We waste an unbelievable amount of energy worrying, analyzing, storytelling in our minds when our minds could be creating, growing and working. At the end of the day, what have you done, what have you said, what promises have you made, and what promises have you kept?
What if you thought less and did more and pursued more and kissed more and wrote more and laughed more and tried more; what if you quieted your thoughts and noticed more? What if you shut off the part of your mind that never stops talking and judging and what if you did what felt right, what feels good? At the end of the day, why does it matter what anyone thinks of what you think they think of you? At the end of the day, you should simply feel and be... love and loved.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
What is a friend? Well if you watch primetime TV you know that a friend is the person that lives across the hall, or works in your office, or is someone you solve high profile murders with. I don't have any one description of a friend, possibly because I moved from place to place throughout my childhood always being the token "new girl" in school and making my way in a way most kids and teenagers don't have to, by sheer determination to make friends.
Now, twenty years removed from school and having experienced a very full life... my husband is my best friend, really. I never expected him to be, for my own personal reasons, but for those very same reasons, I learned to understand and notice his generosity towards our relationship and our friendship is unspeakably bound. The point of this is, friends cannot be made through giving the most dinner parties or spending the most time together, friends cannot be coerced into being friends, although they can and do pretend to. Friends cannot be "because" of any reason, they simply just are or are not your friend.
If you are lucky, you will be best friends with your husband. If you are smart, you will be friendly to your husband. If you are sociable and kind, you will have many friends. If you are blessed, you will have friends that care enough to knock on your door out of the blue to check on you. If you are lucky, smart, sociable, kind and blessed... then you should be grateful, and I am.
Now, twenty years removed from school and having experienced a very full life... my husband is my best friend, really. I never expected him to be, for my own personal reasons, but for those very same reasons, I learned to understand and notice his generosity towards our relationship and our friendship is unspeakably bound. The point of this is, friends cannot be made through giving the most dinner parties or spending the most time together, friends cannot be coerced into being friends, although they can and do pretend to. Friends cannot be "because" of any reason, they simply just are or are not your friend.
If you are lucky, you will be best friends with your husband. If you are smart, you will be friendly to your husband. If you are sociable and kind, you will have many friends. If you are blessed, you will have friends that care enough to knock on your door out of the blue to check on you. If you are lucky, smart, sociable, kind and blessed... then you should be grateful, and I am.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
spirit napping
What is happening to me? I do not seem to care about anything anymore; certainly not at the same fight to the death intensity that I am used to feeling. I sit and notice and do not feel, I just simply notice what I might have felt before and when I would have lost it somehow; either tears, or threats, or heartbreaking silence or simply anger. I do not feel these things anymore. Am I getting older, depressed, or am I sick? I do not know.
The positive aspect of this "illness", this sense of "I am too tired to fight" is that I am literally so outside of any conflict that I feel as wise as Gandhi. Charlie put me to the test a few days ago, with door slams, tears, words, more door slams (all by herself) and finally as I sat noticing her conflict without a word she realized I was just going to sit there watching her tangle with a ghost of mommy past and suddenly she opened her door, to my disbelief, and walked up to where I was sitting and said "I'm sorry Mommy", crying. I had done nothing, said nothing, simply sat at her play table wondering why I was too tired to follow her to her room and tell her if she slams her door one more time I will take it off, etc... but I didn't have to.
Bryan too, misses my spark, not that we argue anymore.. because I refuse to, but on another level there is a spark that keeps us wired and very aware, excited and in tune with each other. Now that I have surrendered to my diminished self, I notice that I simply do not care about some of the little things that were so important to me before. Silly things that would make me crazy; like if he forgot to kiss me goodnight or if he called to see how my day was or if he looked at me in the eyes.. all that stuff I really cared about and now even if everything is exactly the same, I wouldn't notice or care.
I love Bryan and Charlie more than ever, and would fight to the death for them, but some kind of tired has been seeping into my once too energetic body and mind. Part of me is grateful that I am so unattached to actions, yet the other part sees what was (is) so special about me; a fierce loyalty to what is true and right and important to me. A mixed blessing, and for those who care to know.. my guess is that I let too much in, especially work related, and I let too many things have a piece of me, so that there was nothing left at the end (and middle) of the day. Nature has a strange way of saying no, at least for me at this moment, I simply cannot do any more.
The positive aspect of this "illness", this sense of "I am too tired to fight" is that I am literally so outside of any conflict that I feel as wise as Gandhi. Charlie put me to the test a few days ago, with door slams, tears, words, more door slams (all by herself) and finally as I sat noticing her conflict without a word she realized I was just going to sit there watching her tangle with a ghost of mommy past and suddenly she opened her door, to my disbelief, and walked up to where I was sitting and said "I'm sorry Mommy", crying. I had done nothing, said nothing, simply sat at her play table wondering why I was too tired to follow her to her room and tell her if she slams her door one more time I will take it off, etc... but I didn't have to.
Bryan too, misses my spark, not that we argue anymore.. because I refuse to, but on another level there is a spark that keeps us wired and very aware, excited and in tune with each other. Now that I have surrendered to my diminished self, I notice that I simply do not care about some of the little things that were so important to me before. Silly things that would make me crazy; like if he forgot to kiss me goodnight or if he called to see how my day was or if he looked at me in the eyes.. all that stuff I really cared about and now even if everything is exactly the same, I wouldn't notice or care.
I love Bryan and Charlie more than ever, and would fight to the death for them, but some kind of tired has been seeping into my once too energetic body and mind. Part of me is grateful that I am so unattached to actions, yet the other part sees what was (is) so special about me; a fierce loyalty to what is true and right and important to me. A mixed blessing, and for those who care to know.. my guess is that I let too much in, especially work related, and I let too many things have a piece of me, so that there was nothing left at the end (and middle) of the day. Nature has a strange way of saying no, at least for me at this moment, I simply cannot do any more.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It is well past time to remodel, but this simple kitchen update is spreading to all corners of our home, which is wonderful except for the fact that we really hired a handyman, not a contractor to do this. Ted is wonderful, smart, methodic and perfect for fixing things.. not rebuilding half your home. So here we are, a month into it and not near the middle or the end.
I am not sure if it is the dust, the nails, the unkempt rearranged furniture shoved into corners, or simply this summer of work related anxiety that has made me feel slightly depressed about things. As a rule, I habitually clean and organize our closets and home to the point that my cleaning lady (Tatyana) oohs and aaahs when she sees my handiwork; everything organized momentarily in Charlie's room for instance, or occasionally I'll clean out Bryan's drawers, or unclutter our desk area. But lately, I cannot stand anything ancillary, anything cheap, unclean or unecessary.
This change in feeling is unlike me, so I notice it. With Charlie in school I have more time which I impossibly fill with work and commitments. So, here I sit, exhausted; knowing and admitting I cannot do more yet I am not doing what is truly my own pursuit. So I cannot stand to see anything extra laying around, "nothing more please" I seem to say as I throw things away. Nothing more please, as I try to find the space for me.
I am not sure if it is the dust, the nails, the unkempt rearranged furniture shoved into corners, or simply this summer of work related anxiety that has made me feel slightly depressed about things. As a rule, I habitually clean and organize our closets and home to the point that my cleaning lady (Tatyana) oohs and aaahs when she sees my handiwork; everything organized momentarily in Charlie's room for instance, or occasionally I'll clean out Bryan's drawers, or unclutter our desk area. But lately, I cannot stand anything ancillary, anything cheap, unclean or unecessary.
This change in feeling is unlike me, so I notice it. With Charlie in school I have more time which I impossibly fill with work and commitments. So, here I sit, exhausted; knowing and admitting I cannot do more yet I am not doing what is truly my own pursuit. So I cannot stand to see anything extra laying around, "nothing more please" I seem to say as I throw things away. Nothing more please, as I try to find the space for me.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Why are we here?
Ha ha! You couldn't resist.. do you really think I know why we are here? I believe I know. Here's my best guess: we are here to realize and reconnect with who we really are; we are here to be the truth of what we know.. not what we fear. Yet, our actions are fear based (okay some of us not so much) but most of us act based on the fears that society and our peers and our spouses and our family will judge us unworthy if we were unlimited, uninhibited and honestly our true selves. Everybody knows when they have a moment where they feel truly alive and not just existing, and yet we keep within our boundaries so we can keep existing..
I was reading about anger last night on a random blog and the writers expressed a viewpoint that I have read before, which is that anger itself is a mask for other emotions.. many other emotions. Well, I don't know much about it but again, my reality right now is that anger itself can be simply anger. That doesn't mean that for one to feel anger even for 15 minutes that a person is an "angry" person. It simply means that if you feel anger, it doesn't have to be a "mask" of a terrible childhod, an eating disorder, or an inabilty to express yourself. Why is anger such a bad thing? I love it. I don't live it, I don't feel it right now, but when I do I am going to own it and let it be clear that whatever is upsetting me will no longer be acceptable. You know why? It feels good to me to express joy, love, compassion, appreciation, and even anger. I feel life! I care deeply and I will not deny myself the opportunity to just be. By the way, Bryan was not the inspiration for this post, although he could have been, and that would be okay too.
I was reading about anger last night on a random blog and the writers expressed a viewpoint that I have read before, which is that anger itself is a mask for other emotions.. many other emotions. Well, I don't know much about it but again, my reality right now is that anger itself can be simply anger. That doesn't mean that for one to feel anger even for 15 minutes that a person is an "angry" person. It simply means that if you feel anger, it doesn't have to be a "mask" of a terrible childhod, an eating disorder, or an inabilty to express yourself. Why is anger such a bad thing? I love it. I don't live it, I don't feel it right now, but when I do I am going to own it and let it be clear that whatever is upsetting me will no longer be acceptable. You know why? It feels good to me to express joy, love, compassion, appreciation, and even anger. I feel life! I care deeply and I will not deny myself the opportunity to just be. By the way, Bryan was not the inspiration for this post, although he could have been, and that would be okay too.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
just a thought
I am searching, always have been. Not for my lifetime mate (anymore) or boyfriend (same guy)and not for self-worth, but still searching. It seems like most people I know, good, smart and motivated people are looking too.. possibly for an identity that they should be or are trying to live up to; they are searching for a mate, a job, a hairdo, a balance, a career, a mojo, a feeling... a friend, and almost always, love.
Coming home from our trip has triggered a multitude of emotions to pour out from me; realizing how short my (our) time is here, and also how much time I spend worrying about the most inconsequential matters, feeling anxiety that I do not have enough time to be me and that I am spending too much time in the stories that my mind loves to feed on. The strangest thoughts would come over me as we passed islands with beautiful remote homes, and what appeared a perfectly settled life of staring at the ocean. I would catch myself thinking " How old are these people? What are they doing? How many years do they have to enjoy it? How many years do my parents have left to enjoy their lives?? What is the best use of my time? What will Charlie remember?"
An idea came to me tonight.. not a loud one, just the simple kind when you are staring at a photo of youself on the bookshelf looking innocent and five, like your own daughter and you stare at that little girl and wish you could do a lot of things over. Possibly a voice or a thought came over me and said.. "Don't worry, you can stop looking, I will find you as I always have and if you lose me I will find you again and again and there is no need to look further."
Coming home from our trip has triggered a multitude of emotions to pour out from me; realizing how short my (our) time is here, and also how much time I spend worrying about the most inconsequential matters, feeling anxiety that I do not have enough time to be me and that I am spending too much time in the stories that my mind loves to feed on. The strangest thoughts would come over me as we passed islands with beautiful remote homes, and what appeared a perfectly settled life of staring at the ocean. I would catch myself thinking " How old are these people? What are they doing? How many years do they have to enjoy it? How many years do my parents have left to enjoy their lives?? What is the best use of my time? What will Charlie remember?"
An idea came to me tonight.. not a loud one, just the simple kind when you are staring at a photo of youself on the bookshelf looking innocent and five, like your own daughter and you stare at that little girl and wish you could do a lot of things over. Possibly a voice or a thought came over me and said.. "Don't worry, you can stop looking, I will find you as I always have and if you lose me I will find you again and again and there is no need to look further."
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